Presence Takes Precedence

This past year has been a wild ride. I’ve been extremely fortunate to have spent it surrounded by people I enjoy, people who I care about, and people who I love (I can only hope these feelings are reciprocated…).  Aside from health and family happiness, the studio that I co-own has exploded in all directions, in the very best of ways. My dance company are reunited with gusto and the girls are lovely to dance and work with – I’m lucky, beyond a doubt.  I’ve found a new hobby in costume making, be that bras, belts or necklaces. I’ve begun a mailing list about music that I enjoy, and I’ve started to loose weight (only marginally. I weigh less than the last time I weighed in, so it counts as a baby step). Despite this I find myself more stressed, more frazzled, less happy with my work that I produce, and generally just a little lost in what I’m doing here.

 

I’ve decided that I’m going to start and finish 2012 on a high note, spending it with as many high notes as I can throughout the year. The only way that I can think to do this is to set myself on a path to ‘be happy’. This is a broad (cavernous? monumental?) task, but I think the key to my own happiness is to take the following steps;

1. Focus: I find myself drowning lately. With so many projects happening in my life I tend to start one or two things (say “A” and “B), then realize others (say “C”, “D” and “E”) need to be finished sooner but are less important, so I stop doing A & B and start doing C, D & E. By the time C, D & E are finished, other items have come up that need to be done, so I start them. Only to realize that A & B are not done yet. As a result my house and my life and my schedule is to the brim with half-finished projects, all of which are yelling and screaming and emailing me on a continuous basis.  None of my finished projects are at the level of quality that I like to attach my name to.  This is despite having a detailed, well oiled schedule. So my goal this year is to focus and remove  unnecessary distractions. I will finish what I start. I will do it with integrity, to the best of my ability. I will not ‘submit’ any work without it being ‘to par’ we’ll say.
2. Choose: Following the line of thought of #1, I’ll have to make some decisions about removing some distractions, or unnecessary stressors in my life. I cannot continue to do all the items that I am doing and still keep my head above water. So ultimately there will be things that I can no longer continue to do. Some of these things will have to slowly be phased out of my life, some of these things I can stop effective now.  I will make a conscious effort to think things through and decide to do one or the other, but not both.  I will make realistic choices for myself based on my resources – be that time, money, or mental stability. There will be tough choices, and there will be easy choices. There will be choices that I don’t want to chose, but should. There will be things I have to give up that I love. But for my own health and happiness I have to choose.
3. Give: This applies to myself. I will give more of myself, in more meaningful ways. I think about 2011 and I realize that I’ve done much taking, and less giving. This hasn’t been done in an intentional way, to hurt or abuse or dismiss ungratefully, but it’s been necessary to keep from drowning. I will take a step back and breathe.  I will take time to put the extra effort to listen, to help and to be a more generous person.
4. Allocate: This is for money and time. Money I think we can all relate to. 2012, you will be my financial b*&ch, I will own you.  As for time, that’s a little more tricky. When I have things to do, I have to start thinking about how much time it takes, and realistically allocate myself within this time frame. I will no longer trade “sleep time” for “studio business” and I will no longer exchange “time with friends and family” for “emails.” I cannot allow  this to happen. So I will allocate my time where it is needed most, not what will take the least/most amount of time, but to things that are important to me. Maybe I can starting thinking about time as money.  ”Choreographing this dance will cost me ‘X’ hours, I only have “X-3″ available, therefore I cannot do this right now.” Time as a currency?

Things that I would like to have accomplished, as sidebar goals for 2012:

• Yoga once a week. I’m not a yoga person, but it’s beneficial for other areas of my life. I don’t have enough “time” resources to get out and go for a swim, and I don’t like walking with no destination.
• Bake at least once a month. I love baking. I love love love to bake.  Can I do that well? Somewhat. Do I do that often? I made 1 batch of cupcakes and 2 batches of cookies in 2011… this saddens me.
• Read and reflect on 1 book a month. I’d like to get more intellectual books on my “readit” list, but honestly, if I just start reading more I’ll relax more.
• Learn something new. Maybe I’ll finally give in and learn Illustrator. Maybe I’ll apply to go back to school. Maybe I’ll learn to cook (unlikely, but hey…) maybe I’ll learn how to sew properly (happy mistakes currently happen). Maybe I’ll relearn some of my math degree. Something that’s not related to dance. Something that’s very me and not “Vanessa the dancer”

 

Maybe I’m lofty. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m desperate. But the non-dancer side of me can’t continue to survive if the dancer side of me continues to over power my life. I need to grow as a “me” before I can grow as a dancer, business woman, choreographer, and whatever other hats I wear.

 

What are you hopes for 2012? What do you want to be and how can you get there this year? Or over the new few years even? “Whaddaya at?”